I'm conflicted. A big part of me wants to stay optimistic and "play the part" of the young professional just starting her career in a small town, taking all the hurdles in stride and rolling with the punches and all those other cliches about, you know, being strong, adaptable and learning. Readers, you know who you are, many of you are my family, and all I want is to make you proud. The problem is, this "confident and professional" part of me seems to be starting to errode, and underneath it is someone who is bored, lonely, sometimes depressed, misses her friends, her family, the city, yes even *the dreaded scene*. Everthing I willingly chose to leave behind.
THE SCENE!
Sometimes it's hard to write blog entries because I'm searching for the correct tone, one that will impart confidence, a good sense of humour and a gathering of knowledge. So when I think to myself about how it's high time that I wrote a blog entry, and why am I sitting here watching "So you think you can dance: Canada" when I could be doing something productive, I first try and think about exactly what to say, what the theme will be, and what I want to tell YOU. Then I draw blanks. You see, I've already gone over and over all the positives. I repeat them to myself and to others to the point that it's become some kind of a philosophy for why I am even here. Yes the french, yes the tehcnical experience, yes the managerial experience, the cheap housing, the great outdoors, the special projects, the independence. There are only so many blog entries that I can write about these things, and really, who wants to hear about the finickity things I do with our system? Or about the pros and cons of Excel Spreadsheets versus Selection Lists? Or what I learned about doing a public library's inventory? (Or maybe you do, let me know if that's the case...)
I avoid the negatives because I don't want to worry YOU. But they are there, they are inescapable and are perhaps even exaggerated in my solitude. Sometimes I really just want to get the hell out of here.
This past weekend I cracked a little bit and I made a spontaneous trip into Halifax to take part in the Atlantic Film Festival, and to crash at my dear friends A. & E.'s house. I needed to relax, to recoop, to feel part of something again, to remind myself that I am not so completely alone. I spoke with A. about how I had not been keeping up on this blog and I explained how I sometimes felt the need to "play a part" and not reveal everthing that I am feeling. I'm sorry readers, but I believe part of the reason for this is that I know many of you are my family; those that care about me the most, those that worry about me the most. In response to this A. asked me "well what would happen if you were comepletely honest?" I thought about this and I can't quite come up with an answer.
I suppose part of the reason could be because I originally wanted this to be somewhat of a "professional blog." One that would represent my experience in the field, the things that I learned, and something to potentially, one day, share with colleagues. A blog similar to the ones that my mom sends me. I realize now that I don't think that it can be that. OR maybe it will be and I just need to let it evolve into whatever it's going to become. Either way, what I was doing before wasn't working as well as it could have. I think I need to stop trying to force it to take on a certain tone and just be myself when I write. So now I am going to try an experiment and treat this blog more like a journal (though less of a scrawly angsty journal like the one beside my bed) or better yet, like a letter to a friend. I am from now on going to write it less for YOU and more for ME. I think it will be easier to just tell it like it is. Then we will see what happens, then I will have an answer to A.'s question.
So this is what it's like, after five months of being Technical Services Librarian managing a team of three francophone Technical Services Assistants, living and working in a small Acadian town where you have no friends (yet), not much to do, and sometimes worry that you are going crazy.
Bea, thanks for being honest. I'm finishing my MLIS in April and I have been following you and inspired by your willingness to adventure out into the backwoods to gain valuable experience. Although I am not a big city-girl, I have been wondering if I'm going to end up staying in Montreal because of the contacts that I have made here. I also love the idea of what you were doing, just getting away from all the noise and people. I would be able to breath fresh air, have a good job right after graduation and, of course, actually have time to read in my spare time.
ReplyDeleteI have been idealizing your life and your most recent blog has helped me to put things in perspective. I am still contemplating the idea of working in a small town library system right after graduation but now I'm going to think more carefully about this decision before taking a train to nowhere. Thanks!
Bea,
ReplyDeleteI think your friend in Halifax is right.
Honesty is the best. But since this is very public medium, one needs to be mindful about who might read it; how they might feel if they read about themselves - I am thinking about co-workers here. Face to face is better for some dialogues.
RE: Loneliness. I think about you all the time your sense of displacment; being out of the loop, culturally and socially. I believe it is be very stressful and crazy-making.
Not trying to minimize what you describe. But many others feel what you describe too. So, in this strange way at least, I am trying to comfort you to know that you are not alone in your aloneness.
Stay-at-home new mothers - with no one to talk to except a small baby because all other mothers in the neighborhood work. The radio, the library storytimes, the play groups saves them.
New Canadians - trying to make sense of our myriad "systems" of help; our hybrid language with rules broken all the time- this crazy tongue called English. We meet them dazed and confused in the library searching for help. Sometimes they receive the patience and assistance they need. Othertimes they do not.
Permanent library "residents" - who spend all day on the net; whose human contact seems limited to asking us for more time on the Net.
New students - away from home for the first time. Perhaps they need to learn how to navigate a new city, fit in at residence or show up alone in class.
New club members - No matter what or where or what kind - always there is time spent before one fits in; where one is scrutinized before some measure of acceptance transpires. I am encourage that you play cards with fellow staff.
Does this help or does it make it worse? You are loved and you are not alone. Always in my thoughts.
mm